you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
