woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
