If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
