he wants to bone in the snuggie
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Couch. On fire.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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