I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
