God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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