i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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