bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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