i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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