i just had sex bonerless
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
