i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
