The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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