According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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