those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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