4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
