I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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