My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
