it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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