She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize