Just fell off a train. Bad.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
