i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
