I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
