Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
