'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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