So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
