I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
