He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
