I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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