I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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