masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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