Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
