so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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