he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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