I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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