the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
