the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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