i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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