Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I need a beard to bite.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
