my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
