Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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