Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
