On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
