worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
