WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
