saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
