He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
