I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
