I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
