There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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