Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
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