The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
