I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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