Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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