Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
