she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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