New low: just hacked my moms facebook
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
