Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My balls are so social today.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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