2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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