i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
