end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
